The Journey, Not the Destination. A Cliche' That is 100% True

I feel I’ve made a discovery. A discovery that is likely neither profound nor one that doesn’t already have many flags denoting that an infinite number of people have made this discovery prior to me. Yet, to me, it’s a space of living previously unseen by me and the system of parts that make up “me.”

Here’s the discovery. The discovery may well be a key reason why so many in American culture are sad, dissatisfied, hopeless and even willing to harm themselves or others. Why so many are angry when told they are not right, not normal, or not enough?

What is the reason I’ve discovered? We’re made to believe that life is a race to a finish line, rather than a never ending journey. We’re told that with enough hard work, enough striving, enough sacrifice, enough conquering that we will then reach a place where we will break that tape and say “I DID IT!”

But then, at the finish line, we catch our breath, the race workers all go home, the confetti that was so exciting in the sky is now trash on the ground and we are forced to say “now what?” We then realize the striving did create a moment of great accomplishment, but now the striving must start all over again.

We must race towards that finish line of being the right kind of man, the right kind of woman, the successful kind of businessperson, the pretty or handsome or smart or revered kind of human being. It could even be the most selfless type of finish line that tells us we will one day know beyond doubt that our desire to change the world around us has, in fact, been impactful.

Sometimes the saddest of races is when we believe we must conform to the era of a religious community in order to be invited into an eternal reward for striving, rather than burning in fire. What if we put all our hopes in that binary finish line, sacrificing the joy of living as a free human being and find out… that religion wasn’t what life was all about? How I grieve those stuck in perpetual hopelessness and inhumanity of today in hopes of some unknown, unforeseen and unsharable shalom at that end.

The song “The Hokey Pokey” finishes with the line, “That’s what it’s all about.” What if that line is true? What if life is truly about those moments when we let ourselves be so silly, so childish… or childlike, that the finish line couldn’t possibly be better than this crazy, whacky, seemingly meaningless moment?

I’m trying to look at life this way now. Striving only to apprehend the truth that I am not striving towards a finish, but into a present.

I’ve so longed for the moment when I could be man enough, Christian enough, right enough… maybe even authentic enough or transitioned to something else enough, that I would then be “OK.” That there would be a moment when those close to me will be OK with who I am. When my desire for shalom or well-being won’t bring a bit of pain to those around me. That maybe by physiology or divine providence or by my own hand I could one day exit this world and hear, “Well done!” And the striving to be what the world around me wanted me to be will have been worth it.

My discovery today has stolen that false hope away from me and is now pointing me to the painful truth that I’ve been striving for a finish line that does not exist.

My discovery has stolen the idea that I can one day be man enough or feminine enough or godly enough or have impacted enough people or joined the right mob to know that their affirmation shows me that I am truly enough.

A wisdom from the Christian New Testament says that in eternal blissful living there is neither male nor female, Jew nor Greek, freed person nor slave. This says I can never adhere enough to a race, religion, gender, sexuality, nationality, polity, life mission or even family to be enough.

All I can strive to be is to be who I am in each precious moment of life and live it without a need to be enough.

As a D.I.D. Multiple there are moments when I’m Buck, the cynical logic. Or Johnny, the angry fighter against injustice who’s even willing to punch a wall to make his point. Adelyne will while her ways past you, Tobie will offend you, Chloe and Elgin will make you faun at their cuteness and Ray will freeze in a moment of deep self hatred. These are all me at any given moment of the day.

There’s Avery who believes she’s untouchable and above the fray and Paul who believes he can make us conform to norms in order to be the success and impact in the world we hope to be. Then there’s Rea, the person we were at our creation. Rea is deep thinking, discerning, empathetic and, potentially, able to love our whole self so that we can truly love our neighbors, even those we don’t like - just as is the command of Christian teaching.

Which of these parts is better than another? Not one. They all have been a necessary part of my brilliant system in order to survive this tumultuous world. The problem is, they all were told there was a finish line for them to reach. Something they had to convince the world and each other that they were “enough.” Yet my discovery says that if I can embrace the importance of each part and give them space to just be thrilled to be themselves, then my system will no longer have to act in a way that shoves some of my parts in a drawer and demands they stay there so we can appear “normal” and headed towards the “right” finish line.

My discovery is by releasing the need to fit the gender, physiology, religion, sexuality or mission of “normal,” I can truly be free to be me in every moment of the day. Not at some mythical finish line. And perhaps I can offer freedom to others to be themselves today and to love that self now, not the self they hope to be at the end of their striving. Then perhaps more of us will then truly be free, to love our neighbor as ourself.